i am very tired.
i spent a long time thinking about a piece of news yesterday. then there's been stuff that's been happening with friends and family. and i can't help realting it to a larger pattern.
i don't have it in me to be analytical about things right now. it's just a knee-jerk emotional reaction that comes forth. being a woman is getting the rough side of the deal. being a woman in india - even more so.
i am ashamed to put it down here, i am ashamed to think this way, but i need to remember this. at a phase of my life, when i am independent, successful by meagre measures, wanted and appreciated, seemingly secure, in an era that pays lip service to the idea of strength, i can't celebrate life enough.
all around me i see tiredness, deprivation, exploitation. emotional abuse, physical violence, a manic attempt to keep the plaster form peeling. comes with the territory.
when will they learn? yes, them.
it saddens me infinitely to think that almost all men in my life really don't get it. some women too.
i have always felt a part of me going stone cold for a while when people talking about leaving this country for good. for a better life. over the last few weeks i couldn't help thinking that there is some merit to that plan of action.
defeatist, escapist, unreal, betraying my own line of thought - yes to all. but being a woman here is frightening at times. and those times are getting to be more frequent.

I don't feel like typing. Three things I needed to jot down, but I can't do that. Everything has taken second, third and fourth place to the thought that sometimes I am too wrapped up in my own world to care who ends up getting bruised. It was gently pointed out. And I am scared that there might be more than a grain of truth in it. In the particular context it was told, if that holds any truth, I have done something seriously damaging and I don't know how to set it right.

And now I would probably end up making my own list like that stupid TV series.

Yes, I am evading the real issue by making a crappy joke about it. I don't know how else to react. My idea of being an adult today was to do three loads of laundry and decline invitation to hash and bhang holi party.