i dreamt that i had recieved a package in mail. it contained my divorce papers. except i didn't know who i had married. so in my dream i tried going through my comp and my online life to find some clue. any clue.

when i told people about it, they said that it is something that could easily happen to me. and then tried getting blow-by-blow accounts of my last three holidays to figure out if i had indeed got married without realising it. i don't think i have, but i still put it on my status message, just to be sure.

so far, nobody has stepped forth.

i am scared. my aunt fell down and broke her hips today. she is in an advanced stage of Parkinsons disease and in all probability will not survive the surgery day after. as one of the two remaining functional adults in my extended family here, i spent the day doing the usual rounds.

the kids ( my nieces) were terrified. my sister ( her mother's the one i'm talking about and no she's not my cousin, that's not the way my family works) is trying very hard to keep it together. except she's already asked thrice if we can sell all the houses and apartments and buy a huge place so we can move in the remaining geriatrics, the kids, the mentals, the nasty relations-by-marriage and yeah, basically everyone. and really BE THERE.

i gently reminded her she WAS there and she is doing a fine job.

i spent the whole day calming down person in pain, persons in panic, persons who are distressed and personlings who made random phone calls from my mobile.

i am scared. i am not adult enough to handle this. and i am tired of being the tough cookie.

and i feel incredibly guilty for having made plans for people and a life who are far away from this. i am sorry. and i can't stop crying and i don't know why the hell i'm typing this.

i am sorry.

they still do.

otherwise i wouldn't be awake at 1 in the morning trying to figure how to talk to real people.

it's been a while since i have written for me. i tweet, i update my status messages, i key in fluff to kill some time, i key in words that i am told to. but i don't write.

words elude me now.

more so when i want them to reach out where i can't.

but silence is all i have to offer.

and it's filling in spaces, unhidden.

i think of things, of people. i have forgotten how to speak of them, how to speak to them. i try to remember how language felt. i keep forgetting.

i saw a creeper, rainsoaked, fat, glistening wildly, as if it's vulgarly celebrating life. i thought of you. then i thought about you. do you think of me, just so?

i have forgotten how to ask, i have forgotten how to tell.

when did i lose people to those small doses of words, visuals, bits of colours that flake off from their lives?

will language come back when i learn to talk again? will you talk? will you teach me how to?

i am losing language.
words elude me now.