what is the right way - do you express your fears for someone you love or do you express your hopes for them? why does it all seem like the wrong answer no matter how carefully you think it over?

i need new clothes, new shoes and those metallic bags, two weeks off from work, a windfall gain in six figures, a decline in temperatures by at least seven degrees and several things more that i decline to post here.

"due to technical problems, the light at the end of the tunnel has been switched off."

no. i haven't gone over the other side. i also bought a tom holt and a madhur jaffrey cookbook.
i bought a cookbook.
i. a cookbook.
i. cook.
i ...

We have lost even this twilight.
No one saw us this evening hand in hand
while the blue night dropped on the world.

I have seen from my window
the fiesta of sunset in the distant mountain tops.

Sometimes a piece of sun
burned like a coin in my hand.

I remembered you with my soul clenched
in that sadness of mine that you know.
Where were you then?
Who else was there?
Saying what?

Why will the whole of love come on me suddenly
when I am sad and feel you are far away?
The book fell that always closed at twilight
and my blue sweater rolled like a hurt dog at my feet.

Always, always you recede through the evenings
toward the twilight erasing statues.

there should be a ban on old dead poets.

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

(disclaimer: nothing topical, just found the dusty volume. there is something about neruda that makes you want to share what you read.)

it was a shame waking up to the headlines today. it was a shame realising there's no recourse. it was a shame to acknowledge that this carnage over land-acquisition is still a non-issue to the average citizen. we are apathetic, amoral, apolitical creatures who just exist, feeding on the benefits that passivity throws our way. it makes my blood boil to think that this incident too will go unrectified. there is absolutely no meaning to the word justice.
the muzzled bitch whose owner feeds on scraps thrown his way by the reds will go to work today and comment on the style quotient of giordamo watches. and will she gnaw at the muzzle? hell no. comfort comes first.

it's going to be a horribe day. just you see.

it's monday tomorrow. life is so unfair. moan, moan, whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.
i think they shortchange us on at least a couple of hours on sundays.

as usual my retardation comes to the fore. in case you're wondering, i tried my hand at global warming, then moved on to HIV and finally thought i might get the badge right if i support the cause of music. you can't say i'm picky about extending my supoort. all i need is a cause. and if i'm pushed i can believe in as many as six and that too before breakfast or after a vegetarian dinner, as it is.

| Get your own badge!

on second thoughts, its becoming more common for me to dream without images. i wonder what that means. the last dream i recall was this vision of a dark night and a pond beyond a church or a chapel. i was scared that my brother had drowned. but then i saw that the two of us going into a distant graveyard to find the man who tells stories to the dead. it seemed very urgent to find that man. did he have a story to tell us? probably not, we were both alive or so it seemed.
when i called him next morning, he listened solemnly and copyrighted the idea arguing that the dream would be nothing without his "starring role". he's going to write a very difficult-to-understand-and-hence-critique novella on the storyteller of the dead.

i dreamt of a smell again. i smelt that wood and sulphur smell of a fire lighting up. then i woke up. i switched on the light and could only smell the bud of beli on the side table. now i can't go back to sleep.

the hat fell into the sewers.
the cat and the hat discovered something fascinating (which is a state of mind when you think something is so interesting that you can't stop thinking about it, but preferably it shouldn't be something like dorritos or red crayons). the gardener was telling the cook that in new york, where the angry bearded man who regularly smashed up his old fiat had moved to, huge alligators live in the sewers and have a parallel city under the city.
now neither the cat nor the hat knew what an alligator was but it sounded like they could be some glamorous golden-scaled, rainbow-winged magical creatures. they were actually thinking about a dragon, but they didn't know that since both of them are very ignorant about certain zoological and mythical facts.
the two of them raced excitedly to the spider who was in the middle of a deep conversation with the crow. all the conversations between the spider and the crow tended to be deep. the crow was very intelligent and got very angry if people failed to recognize that. in order to keep his BP down, he devised the strategy of talking on intelligent-sounding things so that no-one would slip up and consequently make him angry. the cat and the hat sometimes thought the crow made no sense, but kept quiet since they didn't want to hurt the spider.
now the crow and the spider were talking about alphabets that sounded complicated like SEBI and SEZ and whatnot. so the hat and the cat grinned and waved and left without saying anything. it was really a pity because if they stopped to talk, they'd hear about urban legends and a lot of the trouble that followed would be spared.
the cat raced straight to the back gate that led to road and took up position on top of the sewers and the hat who didn't like being the second bravest (actually neither of them were very brave but didn't like to admit it) ran right after and peered underneath the iron sewers. that's when the bat came swooping down to see what the fuss was all about and the startled hat fell right in.
the cat and the bat were both stunned. then the bat started laughing and the cat started yelling. it went round and round the sewers, alternately yelling at the bat and screaming down to the hat. now the hat was very scared. it was very dark and smelly down in there and the hat could hear scraping noises, which could be alligators that suddenly didn't seem all that glamorous to encounter in a dank hole with no way out. and when it heard the cat making all that fuss, it became a bit more scared. after a lot of yelling back and forth, they decided that the spider needed to be called. the hat wanted the bat to go fetch the spider and the cat to stay. the cat didn't trust the bat and wanted to go on its own. the bat was a bit hurt, but it was also feeling a bit scared for the hat. so it agreed to what the cat said and stayed back. but that didn't stop it from looking down the sewers and making faces at the poor hat.
the spider came running along. though it did take some time to tick off the cat and the hat and point out that alligators do not live in sewers and nor are they particularly glamorous or magical. (it was wrong of course, but you can't expect a spider to know everything). it quickly spun a web and went down to talk to the hat and calm it down. the hat acquiesced and settled down to wait quietly. it also spent some time thinking how much better the spider was than toby maguire.
then the spider called out to the crow. the crow was smirking nastily all the while. it came dragging it's feet and a thin branch from the lemon tree. it held the branch on its beak and lowered it down the sewer. the spider helped the hat to get hold of one end of it and the cat helped the crow to pull it back up. finally, the hat was rescued and before anyone could turn nasty the bat fled.
anyway tired from all that excitement, the cat and the hat went to the back garden to take a nap and this time they didn't even have to count anything. they just fell asleep as soon as they closed their eyes. but before falling asleep, the hat told the cat that it had seen a pair of beady eyes and it thought that alligators do have a small village, if not a city, down in those sewers. what neither of them knew was that it was not a village, but a small municipal town with its own elected representatives and an 8-station subway system.

my heat rashes had been complemented by flaring red allergic reaction to peanut butter (or it could be bread, i'm not sure). now i have a matching set of inflammations triggered by the holi warpaint too. i am waiting to see if the drug allergy will come forth as well. not mood altering substances, but medicines - that kind of drugs. it keeps me on tenterhooks with a tantalising display of pre-symptoms and then disappears bashfully when i sit up and take notice.
but talking of mood-altering substances, i wonder if the toad would qualify as one. till date, all it takes is the subject of person toad, let alone a mail or call or his actual presence, to cause my mood to do a nose-dive.
but completely unrelated to all this, i want a beanbag and some good chocolates and that tom holt. and i really want didi to switch off the tv. if only i (and everyone else in my family and extended family on both sides) were not so scared of her, i'd watch vh1 instead of bengali megaserials. actually, that was a bit of inverted snobbery - i'd probably watch tom and jerry. i'm not too sharp that way.

i was very disturbed about certain things for the past couple of days. mainly concerning the idea of boundaries as far as friendship is concerned.

the idea of space dominates fairly largely in all my relationships with people, so it always stresses me out if i have to do something that i percieve as an encroachment on other people's space. i usually vascillate between being a detached bystander who keeps hoping that the adult in the other person will surface and being an overly protective mother hen.
so, in order to gain a perspective on things i decided to wiki friendship. here's what they say. its the third point at the end which is a killer though.

Friendship is a term used to denote co-operative and supportive behaviour between two or more humans. This article focuses on the notion specific to interpersonal relationships. In this sense, the term connotes a relationshipknowledge, esteem, and affection. Friends will welcome each other's company and exhibit loyalty towards each other, often to the point of altruism. Their tastes will usually be similar and may converge, and they will share enjoyable activities. They will also engage in mutually helping behavior, such as exchange of advice and the sharing of hardship. A friend is someone who may often demonstrate reciprocating and reflective behaviors. Yet for many, friendship is nothing more than the trust that someone or something will not harm them. Value that is found in friendships is often the result of a friend demonstrating on a consistent basis: which involves mutual

• the tendency to desire what is best for the other.
• sympathy and empathy.
• honesty, perhaps in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth.
• mutual understanding.

it really freaks me out to find that sometimes people take me seriously.

woke up at some goddamed hour when it was still raining. vegged for two hrs trying to figure out something so insignificant that i can't bother to retrieve it from my memory now.
my neck hurts. i have an aching back. we've run out of coffee. i have committed myself to 3 holi lunches. alcohol consumption in last two weeks- nil, niccotine consumption - increasing in an upward graph that has an 85-degree incline. my teeth are going to fall out soon if i don't go for my dentist's appointment. i have to calculate my income tax AND pay it too. it's so hot that are my allergies are in three-quarter bloom ( it'll take an april to get to full bloom). my bloody wrist has a cramp. i have a grand total of fifty three rupees left. somebody's pre-empted my bid to steal that copy of tom holt. i can't take a single fucking day off till forever. the toad's gone raving mad and is blissfully unaware of it.
i don't have money, i don't have peace of mind, i don't live near a sea, i don't have flat abs or sculpted upper-arms, i don't have a single white t-shirt, i don't have a life-altering problem and while we're at it, i still don't have my own copy of the life of brian and i don't have the faintest desire to go in to work today.
though i have a very rare personality, i feel like shit. no, seriously.
and someone tell me, why the fuck should a label for this post be either scooter or vacation? dickheads.