we have to keep a life journal for our spanish class. i had two pages to show this week. all the entries were about work.
the ones not directly about it spoke of things i do AT work when i'm not working.
but then again, nothing much to speak outside of it:
had another cigarette fight. which just robbed me of my pious intentions of quitting.
the sibling coming home tonight, after two years.
trying very hard not to play cradle-snatching games.
i might go to south africa. just when the race riots are in full bloom.
it's not even ten. i can't think of having to face the long day ahead.
and i feel guilty about cribbing. even on my own blog.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
like looking for viagra, prozac and LSD all over the city wasn't enough. in fact, one of the med shop people looked at me and sternly said " we are not THAT kind of a shop". i told them i am not THAT kind of person, but wasn't believed. anyway, the whole enterprise got me almost on the verge of putting in my papers and THEN when i am working at finishing the whole sordid business, really close to midnight i get to explain for public benefit again the shape, size and colour of viagra. and then a carful of middle-aged people of both genders look at me, bursting from the seams with fake innocence and ask me how i know all these things and isn't it wonderful to be young.
as somebody helpfully pointed out we'd say fuck work if we already didn't have a sordidly close relationship with it.
and no, i am not THAT kind of person and i needed it for my work which, again, is not THAT kind of work.
and speaking of relationships, i need to have a dialogue with the powers that be or the power that bes.
God, WTF? i mean, WTF? you being God should know better. seriously.
anyway, that's enough of venom spewing. but there's one more bit i need to put here.
i made a compromise today. and found out how easy it is. i'd always thought that i should be honest enough with people i love. they deserve at least that much. i wasn't honest, and i told myself that i am being dishonest about the way i feel because it could save a friendship and therefore is the responsible thing to do. and that it doesn't count because i'm not hurting anybody and not done any wrong, just faking a feeling.
i am disgusted with myself.
as somebody helpfully pointed out we'd say fuck work if we already didn't have a sordidly close relationship with it.
and no, i am not THAT kind of person and i needed it for my work which, again, is not THAT kind of work.
and speaking of relationships, i need to have a dialogue with the powers that be or the power that bes.
God, WTF? i mean, WTF? you being God should know better. seriously.
anyway, that's enough of venom spewing. but there's one more bit i need to put here.
i made a compromise today. and found out how easy it is. i'd always thought that i should be honest enough with people i love. they deserve at least that much. i wasn't honest, and i told myself that i am being dishonest about the way i feel because it could save a friendship and therefore is the responsible thing to do. and that it doesn't count because i'm not hurting anybody and not done any wrong, just faking a feeling.
i am disgusted with myself.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
it's been a bit long since i got the time to sit down and sift through life. not that anything major happened.
silence helped. a lot. but it doesn't necessarily make me feel better. it stops other people from feeling worse though. but that's just one minor aspect.
learnt one thing - falling out of friendship hurts as much as falling out of love.
trying to grapple with one thing - why and how you can manage to love somebody even when you don't like them
gained one thing - a new friendship which feels great at the moment.
and then on a happier note - took a short break. went to b'lore. The Friend lives there with brand new husband and the Southern Wonder dropped in. very pleasant yellow submarine kind of weekend. it almost felt sinfully good to be with people who rid you of the responsibility to think around them.
and moment of epiphanies as they arrive in the most awkward junctures - the thought crossed my mind how ridiculously happy i am for no reason and started grinning right in the middle of Important Meeting with Very Senior Person, who understandably enough wasn't as happy as i was.
sometimes i seriously amaze myself.
silence helped. a lot. but it doesn't necessarily make me feel better. it stops other people from feeling worse though. but that's just one minor aspect.
learnt one thing - falling out of friendship hurts as much as falling out of love.
trying to grapple with one thing - why and how you can manage to love somebody even when you don't like them
gained one thing - a new friendship which feels great at the moment.
and then on a happier note - took a short break. went to b'lore. The Friend lives there with brand new husband and the Southern Wonder dropped in. very pleasant yellow submarine kind of weekend. it almost felt sinfully good to be with people who rid you of the responsibility to think around them.
and moment of epiphanies as they arrive in the most awkward junctures - the thought crossed my mind how ridiculously happy i am for no reason and started grinning right in the middle of Important Meeting with Very Senior Person, who understandably enough wasn't as happy as i was.
sometimes i seriously amaze myself.
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