something inexplicable happened.
my aunt passed away on friday night, actually saturday morning - the wee hours.
i was in bhutan on a travel asignment at the time, my phone had no signals.
yet i knew.
i'd felt her in the room. i didn't see anything but i knew it was her. in my half dazed state i also was a bit irritated. she said she wanted to see all of south india after she got better, surely she needn't have come to bhutan. i checked the time and fell asleep.
i came home and when my father opened the door, i made it a point to ask him if something had happened at that particular time. it had.
he gave me an odd look, but didn't find it very strange.
i did. i do not what to think. i've always thought my disbeliefs are too strong. supernatural stays out of my way as i stay out of its. but this i don't know how to explain.

she was a busy mother, yet she felt compelled to compensate for me, what she dubbed as my young, harassed working mother's "neglect". i was forever the "neglected child", who had to be given presents, constant assurance and who could ever do no wrong. bloomers, penny frocks, rubber sandals, lunchbox, all that i needed and all that my mother always forgot to check upon -- she'd invariably notice and hand over to didi.
when i was growing up, thanks to her, exams were somewhat a festive occasion. cash, at least one set of new clothes and a tuck box with mood-enhancing food -- chocolate, wafers, crisps, dry fruits, biscuits and whatever else she could find in the store outside her hospital. even later, when i decided to move, move back again, got in a relation, got out again, needed support and at least one token of acceptance that my life was not a mess and if it was, it wasn't of my creation, she made it a point to give me that and more. all my life, she was the one person who'd plugged in the gaps. but not too quietly, unfortunately for my mother at times :D.
she was the person who also taught me how to love - life, friends, lovers and family. but that will be another story.
i am fine. so is my sister. in fact she is so steady, that she took away my guilt for not having been there. but then again, characteristically enough, she turned around and accused me of being the more loved one and hence spared the ordeal. for once, i was mature and didn't point out that it was indeed the truth and no, i wasn't taken from the dustbin and so treated special. i started crying instead. if you are reading this, i'd appreciate you not asking any questions.
but we salvaged a few things from under the hawk-eyed watch of my nieces (particularly the two-year old, we can sell her for a fortune as a ferocious watchdog) and my sister and i are wearing identical bangles that she used to wear on both hands. we find it oddly comforting.

i am doing a fun piece of work this week and hope to do another next week, which kind of makes up for the prolonged exposure to the Toad.
i did something i'd never done - mended fences - and i'm uncertain about it.
"you expect too much from me."
now that has been a burr on my side, except i can't remember the exact context.
anyway, water under bridge, bridge under water.
the best part of having people is that you can be friends with them. so...

august needs to end fast.

it's one fucking farce. that's what the system is.

i had the day off. i spent the whole day lazing about and finished two books by david liss. the best find in recent months. when i got tired of looking at the pages, i looked at the rain falling against a backdrop of trees. i also managed to watch the curse of the golden flower. and then went and had dinner.

oh!

north west frontier cuisine was made for rainy days and maudlin minds.
i do not remember the last time i had kebabs so wondrous and the fish kebab was unlike what i've ever eaten anywhere.
melt in the mouth fresh fragrant pieces of pure pleasure.

makes me even more resolved to open my own place. giving people just that right food and drink that raises spirits IS a noble mission. it has much social value.

i even thought of a name for a our seaside bar ( and like all good pubs, it'll be known for its honest grub as well). i'll call it Three Dirty Wishes. one could be the filth and muck kind of dirt, the second would be really dirrrrtyyyyy and the third would depend on time - what is considered trendily dirty at the moment.

if only there were a good dry bottle of red, the night would be perfect. but even without it, life seems good.

saturdays, come back. i miss you. you complete me. help me devise a way to make my life accommodate you. i heart saturday.

a lazy, rainy saturday morning with a good book... and now i can remember why i used to be in love with saturdays. now should i jinx it by going out?

Full stop.

there is a reason why periods are the most important punctuation mark.
no longer part of one unequal emotional exchange.
disturbing and distressing. but i have finally learnt the art of walking without looking backwards.
note to self: apply this to all other walks of life.

unrelated to this, it has been the worst week and it is hardly over. the fact that i drag myself out of my bed and retain a modicum of functionality is something i should be congratulated upon.

i take people at their face value. i believe what they tell me. but over the last few days, i have been keeping a close watch over my social exchanges. it was very draining to be on the receiving end of casual lies from most quarters. has this always been so? how come i never noticed this before?

co-worker, close friend, casual acquaintance, family -- do you think i do not get it when you slip in that one about work, money, life? and for no need.

why is it too much to ask for reciprocation of a simple courtesy? i do not lie. to you or to anybody else. not because i cannot. but because it is disgusting, disturbing, demeaning, degrading. because i choose not to. i do you the courtesy of being honest. be an adult and do me the same.

i feel sad when you don't. i don't know why. but you make me sad and take myself away bit by bit from you.