i want something very badly. it will help me keep two promises i made to myself and one promise i didn't make to someone else. i am too tired to think of anything else now.

wake up at 4 in the morning.
sleep for a couple of hours in the afternoon.
take a up a new hobby or enroll for a class.
be productive, repsonsible and generally, with it.

now, what about a couple of kids and cake mix while we're at it?

why is it so hard to take a decision even when you have all the pros and cons before you? and pros outweigh the cons, which are actually only three in number - ending up unemployed, homeless and starving to death. actually not the last two.

what the hell did you think you were doing? yes, you. GOD. PAY ATTENTION WHEN I TALK TO YOU. AND DON'T GIVE ME THE CREATOR AND MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE SHIT OR ESLE I'LL READ UP PHYSICS.

one day. just one day i need to be myself. and zoom. i morph back three lifetimes and have double limbs, triple tongues and zero grey cells. GAAAAH.

just one day.

god, did i not tell you not to fuck with me any more?

no. calling me an idiot and blaming me for my own mistakes is not a defence good enough. at least not divine enough. straighten up your act dude.

all's good. october is really behaving itself.
the Adeela event was a hit. we made money. we made business and the long term kind too.
and all sorts of people have been heaping praise on my work - and i can't stop wondering why. hell, i wouldn't know i existed if i weren't me.
but doing new things at work, always very entertaining and the new project looks a very doable one.
the order of the day is to get out of the black and white zone of is change good or bad and just chill and see what happens.
saw a movie called wake up sid today. didn't like it one bit. when you're preaching, you're peaching. pretty colours and music and magically easy celluloid life doesn't make it one bit palatable. why do the buggers need to exaggerate everything - good, bad, people, situations - and make it so unreal in the name of commercial success. you don;t have to cater to idiots to make money. what about dev d? see, watch, learn.
i wake up to slight nips in the air, colourful little flowers amongst the weeds in the backyard, the patchwork quilt is comforting and not an eye candy anymore and then i can lie back in bed and read some.
i got wolf hall yesterday.

while violence may not always be a good thing, the threat of it definitely is. went through one of the worst days at work, though it was not day, it was night and that too last night. when reason failed, calmly stated threats and banging the phone down succeeded. then i went in and stood and smiled and it was such a fucking kick to see them cower and give me the paper i wanted.
i would have taken on the slimy little lizard too later on, but he actually busied himself on pretend phone calls and the nice guy took over and gave us his folder of music too. (ever since the retarded morons put in those blocks, we've lost all pretense of having standards and hoard, beg and share all bits of music, movies, e-books and likes. it's a matter of principles. then they come and delete them only to find the files back the next day.)
being mild and sunny and "hello, i am your 1-800-HAPPINESS number" works, but being angry -- it fucking well kicks ass.

blue walls - cold and smooth. like crystal. sometimes the colour goes away. you touch it and find it giving way like water that's not wet. you cross through and see the world. you cross back when you want. it ceases to exist.

then you wake up. it's still there. the colour comes back. the laughter recedes. you can't see beyond it any more. and then they close in.

how do you know how many breaths you have left?