shoe therapy

i bought new mojris - white, just the right kind of toes, with sequins and embroidery. byoooooooooootiful. to divert attention from the fact that i bought yet another pair of shoes i got my dad a nice spray, which he immediately pounced on and then asked "isn't there anything else?"i pointed out that he was being an avaricous and materialistic old man, he took offence at my usage of the word 'old'.

to my mother, housekeeper, I, R, niece, the goat farm man, the man my mother met and bebrothered three years back when she went on a research trip, his daughter and said daughter's classmate, and our next door neighbour's man friday Khogen, I had to justify my purchase ( which seems an entirely normal thing to do - why not, the world can have its opinion on the micro aspects of my life) by stating categorically that i had no footwear to complement the stuff i would be required to wear for S's anniversary.

a volley of questions followed on the general theme of why is S celebrating his anniversary (because that's what people do when they have been married for a year and he still likes his wife),will i dress up in normal people clothes (like i wear rags or dress like a goth, but i'd have to dress up because thats what is required of still tanaciously befriended friends of one's husband) and did i get them anything ( no, i saw the perfect gift after a week and a half of deliberations and i forgot to buy them when i saw my mojris)

actually my new shoes are a kind of crutch. S has been a friend for ever - probably twenty years now. i like his wife a lot, and were one of the few people who could see that this one was THE one and probably the only one who knows the daily chronicles of how things went on from sharing the same shuttle to work to sharing the same toothbrush holder in that blue chipped basin. and i was the only reason why that wedding was postponed and held in the middle of searing summer, so i could be there. that is one thing that i can never get over. its my special feel good thing when i'm feeling low. but i digress. the whole thing is that while the relationship progressed, i was away. i was not part of the coffee and movies and eating out and sunday morning things. the rest of them and their new ( to me) partners were. i still don't have that same comfort level and though there is enough mutual liking, i am still scared of doing things wrong. its a complicated balance of letting my own friendship survive, letting a new one grow, taking care that i don't misstep boundaries - real or imagined and a lot of cleaning up my act around someone i'd ideally like to be just myself with.

people assume that dating is a complicated game. no, it bloody well is not. it is something that you throw your whole self into - a 'take it or leave it, this is me' kind of thing ( i refuse to entertain any insight on the charades performed at the altar of a quick one). but friendship is turning out to be even more complicated. possibly because they are very important and the ones that you love totally. but then again extending that train of arguement, love could be as complicated, but whatever. now i'm confusing myself.

the whole thing is that i'm scared that tomorrow i'd say or do something wrong, i'd be the one to give the wrong thing, i'd be the one to dress up all wrong, laugh at the wrong timings and all the other women will eye me up when i laugh too much, make other people laugh too much and crack an insider joke and then suck at explaining. dressing nice and killer shoes should give me some added boost of confidence (if cosmo is to be believed). because right now, thinking about tomorrow night is making me very nervous. i feel like a beetle - not the car, the shiny black insect. and if i do things the wrong way, i will probably be treated like one too.