i have got a psycho stalker again.
yes, hit me baby one more time. the loneliness was really killing me. but this time he just stalks my office phone, till that time when some kind soul* gives him my number. i can just see it.
i have mastered the art of changing my voice even as i pick up phones, i say that oxy hasn't come to work/ oxy is in a meeting/ oxy is out on assignment/oxy is on three days' leave with a straight face even while people around me are cracking up.
he cajoles, screams, tries to be sarcastic and then my baby gets cryptic. he left a message for me today. actually two. the first one was a rather chilling, conspiratorially whispered " i've been getting messages". the second one was "ha!" short and sweet.
so far he hasn't been abusive. not majorly. chho chweet.

* ( when you work where i do, you're not kind, but if you ARE then you're an ocxymoron. can i call someone an oxymoron without sounding like a moron? never mind. oxy and moron next to each other makes me look over my shoulders)

confusion reigns supreme.
in every aspect of life where i thought that some sort of breakthrough has been achieved, things have slowed down frustratingly.
now adeela. i've been a bit away from all other people in my life in this, seeking to pull it off. i needed this weekend to figure out how absent i have been from friends. some of them good ones.
but this is a very crucial phase and we have almost put our friendships through endurance tests the last time we tried to be inclusive. we are all reluctant. we are all reacting, we are all resistant. yet there is no other way.
and at times i feel like asking for some sort of divine intervention. i can feel the ostrich instinct kicking in, i just want to bury my head in sand till this blows over. and everything else too.

god, stop being an asshole, is the prayer i sent up. not the most effective or positive one, on hindsight.

i went out after a long time this weekend. so long in fact, that random hot guy asking me to buy a drink gave me enough of a high to last me the night. i promptly sent out texts seeking more positive reaffirmations and came home at four. i feel satiated.
now if only some people would stop being jerks it would make my day.

i dreamt of a cloudy day.
i was standing at the gate, waiting for someone to come home. i looked towards the sky and i could see a small plane. it was doing all kinds of tricks, corkscrews and doughnuts ( if a plane can do one) and figure eights and making heart-shapes, and then the sky turned dark and the plane started to swoop down and then go up again. at this point of time, the horizon was a bit puzzling, because the sky melted into the sea instead of otherwise. but even then the sea was a nice shade between slate and deep aquamarine. the plane would skim down on it and sprays would spalsh up in its wake. it was the most beautiful sight i'd seen. then i came back in. and the next day i read that a plane had crashed into the sea. i knew it was this plane. i had tis strange sense of compulsion. i HAD to go and see the pilot. i knew i just had to. i was the last person who saw how beautiful it had all been.
but before i could find out how to go to the hospital and see the pilot, i woke up. the sense of urgency remained with me throughout the day. must do something before it is all destroyed? no, that's being dramatic. but i can just see the plane and that skysea. it was beautiful.

i am not in the sunniest mood. i tried not to spill it over to anybody, so i switched my phone off, stayed at home, kept to myself. trying to make human contact in the evening, in form of a half hour session with near and dear ones, make me feel suicidal or homicidal or both.
i am swimming through a haze. all kinds, for it's insanely hot. that kind of white heat.
red rashes.
even as flowers wilt and die, allergies flare.
progenitor casually mentions "oh you tested allergic to 18 different things."
"oh yeah, you know giving me the list would have saved me a lot of trouble."
"yeah well, you managed fine."
yes, except i have stopped breathing on more than a couple of occasions, exhibit a great set of oozy rashes in any random part of my body year round, get itchy, scratchy, dizzy, wheezy and under great sneezing fits without any rhyme or reason around arbitrary things including cotton. cotton! whoever has allergy to cotton?
"do you want some coconut?"
"no"
"yeah, you used to get breathing difficulty from coconut. you sure you don't want some?"
and i fail to understand why everybody is so excited about the michael jackson tribute night and stare at me with great hurt mournful bovine eyes when i express my views on the matter.

what was formerly karmic accents is now adeela. adeela delivered it's first corporate order. our beautiful testimonies to a thirst for sheer survival by a group of women will be up for display and sale at oxford bookstores. two of them to start with.
i've been spending sleepless nights thinking about how we'll go forward. we will. the goals are pretty clear. except mapping out the route is not something that easy. but however impossible this may seem, right now, it seems like this i'll to see through.
much like another aspect of life that's leaving me clueless.
things are falling into place when they have no business to.
then again this is the way life works out. plans fail. but life works out. always.