after years of smoking, stopping at will (but not often because i enjoy a good smoke more than many things) and taking it up just like that, i finally realised today i am addicted. it felt awful, made my mouth dry, tasted bitter, smelt the way it does and i just could not stop and knew i would be back for the second way earlier than ever.

i have rarely watched the telly in the last two years and now there is a new secret agent series on star world and i can't stop watching even though i am sleepy and watched half an episode of boston legal.

i can't get up and shut the system off either and i just don't know what the hell this post is about.

i don't like it when i spring nasty surprises on myself.

a little later: i did some pruning on my messenger now. knee-jerk reaction i guess.

these are happy times.

they started way back when the season brought in people, allowed emotions to be displayed, erased the tension (i was too little to understand what it was) and they stayed at home. people laughed. there were people. no sitting on the sidewalk, no falling asleep on the stairs, no doing time in the local milk booth, no fighting like little savages to ward off terror, no waiting patiently, no sitting alone in the dark wondering...

the sparkling people came and stayed and smiled and sang -- with us.

i discovered what a stellar thing people are. actual real people who look at you and smile and cry and sometimes give you candies and shiny things and pick you up and give you hugs. they smelt so good, they didn't even mind when the giggling wouldn't stop. it just seemed fair to make them laugh a bit. and i discovered what a stellar craft clowning is. laughing people can't be angry or sad and thereby saved me from being either.

been in love with christmas since. been in love with people since. been in love with laughter since. even when it erupted as i inadvertently mooned a full funeral party by deciding to forgo bloomers in favour of snoopy underpants which simply fell off. (a little boy's brief was hastily bought to repair the situation.)

one day i'll learn not to need all of this. i will cherish you without a need. till then, if you smile at me, i'll call you a friend. if you put your arm around me, i'll give you a piece of my heart. i'll walk with you, i'll give you my dreams and i'll keep clowning till your shades are banished forever.

merry christmas people. my people.

i nibbled a piece of the sun

working like silly buggers. and yet it still is ok. 3 new books this week -- including unseen academicals and desiree insert the accents). and that i swallowed a jugful of sunshine feeling. whatever it is, i am loving it.

adeela's next exhibition comes up. and we are very near adding a consultation role to the outfit - something that would take us a step closer to providing economic viability to the SHG efforts, closer than what anyone else is prepared to take them. big work - but until and unless you are prepared to dream huge and in technicolour, there's no point being alive.

and the weather's been so nice too.

ps. i effectively charmed a third of today's problem at work right out of existence (under explicit instruction). no trace of any negative emotion. it felt tiring though. anger would have taken less time and solved more of it. we need to stop the bad press about anger.

what's wrong with me? i am frightfully zen, doing twice the normal amount of work way ahead of deadline, feeling a non-susbstance-induced euphoric haze, excited about christmas to the extent that i youtubed bruce springsteen version of santa claus is coming to town.
and i keep smiling for no reason which makes people very nervous.
i also had a supremely good walnut cake.

there is no reason for this whatsoever.

or is it the way normal people usually feel always and i didn't know it?

i will learn to be a tree.
i need to learn to be a tree.

unrelated lines through my head:

it's getting colder these days. perfect times to dive headlong between the covers.

new book - one. new tshirt - one. new votive - one. new personality - zero.

why do i end up being the one person who has to be sought out and confided in and taken comfort from when i neither invite nor encourage such behaviour?

i am happy i used the alarm bell in the elevator.

i am worried about a friend who quit her job in anger.

i loved the stew i had for dinner. dinner's always near-perfect in winter.

two things i can never get enough of from people - time and demonstrations of affection.

i am worried about my parents. i dreamt dad was back in the hospital.

i feel like a failure when i can't teach someone to trust, to emote and to believe.

unhappy people make me feel suffocated --- not people who are temporarily not happy, but those that never learnt to let go.

it's unfair that my little niece won't have her birthday celebrated because her mum has too much work and the kid has no concept of dates. she never gets sent to school either because people can't get up so early.

i can't sleep in a room without doors.

i am tired.

i want gooey, semi liquid chocolate cake.

joining that alumni page on fb was a bad idea. i dreamt that there were 4 days left of puja vacations, i couldn't find my text books and second term exams were very near. on top of it, despite opting for humanities, i STILL had to sit for my physics and math tests.
while i was searching for my books, i also discovered that i have a baby sister - who has been laid lovingly by my brother in a cardboard carton on top of woollen clothes on our verendah.
my mother thinks it is my subconscious demanding for a baby and the whole maternal instinct thing kicking in and was very happy. sigh.

i also ate a piece of purple crayon, for no rational reason.